Friday, June 17, 2011

The Elephant in the Room... Did I Say Room? I Meant Pants

By Evan Trapp

She find pictures in my email

I sent this bitch a picture of my dick

I don't know what it is with females

But I'm not too good at that shit

-Kanye West, “Runaway”

There was once a gigantic basketball player who was gifted not only in the sport of hoops but in his pants as well. Everyday, the gentle giant saw himself naked in the shower and thought, Goddamn, that motherfucker is huge! He was drafted first overall to finally live out his dream of playing professional basketball. The giant was so gigantic that his body had trouble adapting to the physicality of basketball and he was often injured. These injuries never allowed the giant to fulfill his potential and he soon became despondent.

Well, he thought one day, at least I have a nice package.

He decided his true gift, the one the world does not know about, should be on display. As the giant pondered curiously about his gigantic package, he realized this must be why he was chosen first overall in that draft. If only the people knew. He took out his cell phone and snapped a picture, sending the image to a girl he recently met at the local park. The girl then put the image on the Internet, causing an uproar on message boards and news sites. The giant inexplicably apologized for the images, but it was too late. The world finally realized the truth about the 2007 NBA Draft.

So that explains Greg Oden’s penis picture. But what’s up with all these other guys? There seems to be a bizarre trend occurring now that involves a man texting images of his penis to an often bewildered female. Celebrities such as Kanye West, Brett Favre, and ESPN’s Sean Salisbury are examples of this trend hitting the mainstream. The most recent example from Democratic Representative, Anthony “I Promise No Puns” Weiner, has seemed to overshadow all these other examples with the media storm he is causing.

Has this ever worked? Has there ever been a time when a female receives the image of a man’s junk via text message and she didn’t laugh? If this did work, even on occasion, every guy would have his package as his Facebook picture. Guys would walk around with that picture on their t-shirts. Upon meeting a female, guys would shake then flash. But it doesn’t work. So what’s the deal?

The penis is perhaps the single most unattractive part of either human body. The vagina is at least making an attempt to hide. There is absolutely no way that a woman is turned on by just the penis completely out of content, flaccid or other wise. (Side question: in Playgirl magazine, are the men erect or not? I’ve been wondering this for sometime. Is a woman more attracted to a penis that says: “Look at how excited I am!” Or do they prefer: “Look at how not excited I am!” I guess I will never know the answer to this riddle. At least in Playgirl there is some content to the penis. Its not just dick.) Has a picture of just a vagina ever turned on a man? No. That’s why you don’t see vag-shots floating around the Internet.

So what drives this strange phenomenon? Obviously, this being such a one-sided occurrences does not reflect well upon men. I will concede this round, ladies. But we still win driving.

Let’s look at the mainstream examples of this:

KANYE WEST- ‘Ye apparently sent his photo to a handful of women, not just one. But this is Kanye West we are talking about. It wouldn’t surprise me if half the recipients of his photo were Kanye West. This example seems to show how much the role of ego plays in the display of wiener. But Kanye is on a level on narcissism rivaled only by Prince. I call this “The Image formally known as Penis” syndrome. This surely plays a role in the penis photo phenomenon, but this is not likely the biggest factor in such occurrences.

BRETT FAVRE- Favre sent photos and left bizarre voicemails on the cell phone of New York Jet’s correspondent Jenn Sterger. Favre is from Mississippi. The last person of any intelligence to come out of Mississippi was William Faulkner (wait… maybe he was writing exactly how he thought), so this is an example of “Bumpkin Flirting.” I imagine to attract a female the average male Mississippian simply whips it out and grunts. Favre’s excuse for this ridiculous behavior is his upbringing.

SEAN SALISBURY- This is by far the most baffling of these examples, because Sean Salisbury absolutely has a tiny penis. I haven’t seen any actual pictures, but there is no way this guy doesn’t have a tiny penis. He hosted BattleBots for goodness sake! He has an ongoing feud with John Clayton. That's like having a feud with a fetus who has a ponytail. And there is nothing more pitiable than a fetus with a ponytail. What was he trying to prove? Salisbury was born in California, so his upbringing is likely not to blame. So, why Sean? Why did you feel the need to show off your tiny penis?

I imagine most cases, including Salisbury’s, lie somewhere between “The Image formally known as Penis” and “Bumpkin Flirting;” a bit of an ego but mainly a primitive thought process. In Favre’s (and Mississippi’s) defense, this “Bumpkin Flirting” seems more of an evolutionary remnant rather than simply a sign of stupidity. Perhaps, since the penis is truly the only sexualized part of the male body, this display is the desperate attempt of someone overwhelmed in a sexual euphoria, their brains clouded and judgment discombobulated, forced into their most primitive instincts. A woman has a much larger arsenal of body parts to suggest desires. A male just has the penis. So any show of sexual desire on behalf of the male will have to involve the penis.

Sex is a hell of a drug.

There is also the element of danger with these types of expressions. Somewhat like joining the mile high club except detached. The semi-secrecy and semi-intimacy of a cell phone to cell phone message allows an individual to do something electronically, detached from the “real world,” that he would not quite do in his physical life. This sort of behavior is overtly evident on Internet message boards, where the anonymity of the user creates a free for all for any idiotic or otherwise muted opinions to fly. Just look at any YouTube video. The comments represent the worst of humanity voiced by our faceless human race- racism, sexism, Conservatism (joke, calm down). The cell phone penis shots are to a degree just a continuation of this mentality. It is a riskier version, but it is nonetheless an expression that more than likely wouldn’t have been expressed in such a manner were it not for the semi-secrecy of technological communication. A male can feel the excitement of such an expression yet still feel somewhat hidden. It’s not as if he whipped it out in public.

No matter how many times the idea has failed miserably, how many lawsuits have been filed, how many jokes have been made, how many pictures have been leaked onto the Internet, a man will still decide in some moment of arousal that it will be a good idea to take a picture of his junk and text it to that not-so-special someone.

Oh, the things we do to try and get laid.

I can’t believe I just wrote 1300 words on penis cell phone pictures. All I really intended to do was make a “Greg Oden being drafted first because of his horse penis” joke. I used over 50 references to the “penis.” All this talk is making my head spin… I think I’ve got some strange primitive urge coming on… wait…where’d my pants go?... my cell phone is conveniently right here… I can’t believe I’m about to…


Sounds like you just got a text message.

1 comment:

  1. I feel nothing but extreme embarrassment and laughter anytime I have received or viewed a penis text. These talented individuals must too be living in a Lebron bubble to think that this could ever be kept a secret. In some extremely subconscious way they want it to get out...but why???