Friday, June 10, 2011

The Theories of a Married Man

By Kenny Weigandt

One of my biggest strengths is that I’m very self aware. I’m confident when it makes sense to be confident, but more importantly, I’m humble when it makes sense to be humble. This ability has served me well with the ladies. Let me clarify that statement, this ability has significantly limited the times I’ve embarrassed myself with the ladies. You see, I’m a decent looking cat, but I fit into a rare and very specific type. It starts with my frame. I’m about 6’2, 150 pounds. In reality, I’m probably 140 pounds, but I only weigh myself fully clothed. So delusion leads me to believe I’m a buck fifty. Regardless, a great friend once told me, “You’re disgustingly skinny. It sickens me how skinny you are, but I love you.” Keep in mind, it was his 21st birthday, and he was blackout drunk at the time.

In my history with women, I’ve found that most women are horrified by my skinniness. But there’s a small population who are extremely attracted to it. Don’t ask me how or why, I suppose it’s all about preference. To many women, I’m barely a 3. However, to the right ladies, I’m a hard 8. In addition, I’ve long been described as the “All American boy next door.” As much as I despise the title, it holds very true to my personality. I’m courteous, a little shy, clean cut, I love my mother, and I’m extremely awkward in certain situations. I’m also one of the least threatening people you’ve ever seen. If I had to compare myself to a cartoon, it’d probably be Doug Funny (totally underrated show by the way, I’ll leave that discussion for another day). Ladies, if you brought me home to meet your parents, they’d probably be thrilled, but I’m not bringing much in the way of “edge.” Once again, some women hate these qualities, while others absolutely love them. I’m a niche player in the game of women.

As you can imagine, the type of ladies I attract are usually wholesome, unaggressive, and like to move things slowly. Therefore, in my career as a single man, I was hit on very infrequently. In fact, my career number of “I’m digging the skinny” invitations is in the single digits. Let’s be honest, you could count them on one hand.

However, in the last year of my life, that number has spiked significantly. Have I become better looking? Nope. Have I gained some street cred or weight? Absolutely not. Am I wealthy? I’m not broke, but definitely not wealthy. The only thing that has changed about me is that I got married. Not only did I get married, I landed one hell of a keeper. I’ll be the first to admit that I married up. My wife is way hotter than I am, and has her shit completely together. The only reason I snagged her is because she’s a rare exception who sees the gangly, somewhat awkward guy as a solid 8…maybe an 8.5. Needless to say, I scored big time.

That being said, since I got hitched, I’ve been approached multiple times by a very different type of woman. Most of them are older than I am (in some cases, much older), attractive, but they have that “I’ve lived hard” look to them, and they usually try to pick up on me with a conversation about age. It’s either, “Are you even old enough to be in this bar? Giggle.” Or “How old would you think I am?” To most of their credit, I’m surprised when they tell me their actual age. But the “I’m hotter than most women my age” is a common theme. Thanks to my experiences over the last year, I’ve formed a series of theories on why married men are hit on more than single men.

1) The “you’re not threatening so I can flirt” theory

These are probably the most common of my recent slew of pick-ups. These ladies enjoy flirting with a stranger, but don’t really want anything to come of it. So when they see or sense a happily married man, they know they can flirt without the fear of being taken advantage of. These are especially common amongst the older women, often referred to as cougars. They’re still pretty hot, but feel like they’ve lost a step. So when they can chat it up with a polite young buck (who as a courtesy always answers the age question with a figure 5-10 years under what they’re actually thinking), it gives a little boost of self esteem. These are often referred to as fake pick-up attempts. These women are harmless.

2) The “I don’t give a blank” theory

Some say the wedding ring is the primary reason why married men get hit on, but I think this is false. As previously stated, I hit the lottery with my wife. Therefore, I have no desire to go hunting for babes. So when I’m at a bar (or another setting where approaching might take place), I honestly don’t give a second thought if I’m standing near a mega hottie. For some reason, women find this irresistible. Keep in mind, this is not easily faked. Chicks know whether or not they’re being checked out and/or noticed. Ring or no ring, if you’re genuine in not caring, you become a target to the right kind of beezy.

3) The challenge theory

This most commonly comes into play when a wedding ring is being worn. Everyone wants what they can’t have. So when I’m rocking a wedding ring, it’s saying I’m off limits. To a devious woman, she says “challenge accepted!” and the game begins.

4) The “I’ve been wronged by marriage” theory

These ones are definitely the most aggressive. Some women just genuinely despise marriage. They’ve been scorned, cheated on, or done wrong by the institution, and therefore want to ruin a happy pairing. Therefore, not only do they not care if you’re married, they often prefer it when you are. These women are trouble in every sense of the word. Usually an “I’m married” ring flash turns a woman away, but to these ladies, that gesture is just throwing chum in the water. I can't stress this enough, when these ones come knocking, a happily married man needs to walk away. Being polite usually doesn't work with these vipers.

As much as I’d like to believe I’ve become irresistible to the opposite sex, it’s just not the case. The before and after marriage statistics just can’t be ignored. When Brady Anderson went from a career high of 12 homers to blasting 50…something was definitely up. Turns out he was roided out of his gourd. Marriage is essentially "getting hit on" steroids. The numbers are more impressive than before, but it’s unnatural, and it's actually an illusion.

I’d love to hear a married woman’s perspective on the same topic. I’ve always thought that women get hit on regardless of marital status and a wedding ring just weeds out the decent fellas. A good man won’t hit on a married woman because he has a conscience. A dirt bag thinks with his wiener and doesn’t give a shit. Regardless, the comparison would be fascinating.

So married gentlemen, keep your eyes peeled for the trouble seekers out there. And remember, your wife’s grass is always greener. Single guys, try to act more married, and I guarantee your stats will improve.

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